I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
