my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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