So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
