What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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