Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
