i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
