He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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