Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i drank out of a bidet.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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