i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
