I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He better not be in your backpack
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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