Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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