Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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