He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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