i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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