my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
