Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I did not marry a roomba.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
