Porn is love you can see.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
BRING THE BAGELS
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
