He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize