just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
