my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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