im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
