I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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