i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
