i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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