You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
