I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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