So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
