so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
