i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
