I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
