just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
They have beer where we have blood.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
