Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
