If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
