for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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