she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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