A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
