Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please come you make the beer taste better
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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