While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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