Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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