so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize