could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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