did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
