tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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