Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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