i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
