I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
