wrigley field is MILF paradise
Who wears a wallet chain?!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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