I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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