just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
