It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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