I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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