Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
