why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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