I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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