How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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