Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
