gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize