I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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