shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
