I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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